pusing deh gue.

setiap kali gue denger kerjaan tiba-tiba rasanya kepala gue berat.
pengen kabur aja.
pengen keluar.

Tuhan tolong saya.
please...
hear my prayers. hiks

being stupid is actually not an option.
i can't be stupid.
and i know i have been stupid. stupid enough to let this known.

gue harus kasih tau dia kalo gue mendukung dia 100%.
dan akan gue tunjukkin itu ke dia.
dia harus tau...

i have to be strong. i know, i gotta move on.

sepertinya gue tau pasti, kalo gue yang ada di posisi dia, gue pasti gak bisa jadi kaya dia.
aneh banget kenapa gue juga musti iri dan dengki.

udah.
i've said it. gue gak akan mention itu lagi.
gak akan.

i'm gonna be strong...

today is finally the day i find out that i am not good enough. today may be the lowest point in my life since i first set my feet on this company.

i am not good enough. and hate to finally realize the fact that good enough is simply not enough. i need to be able to be the people's center point. 

i am learning to do that. :)

Hiks.

you know, i've been here for more than 5 years and i feel that what i've done in that 5 years turns out to be not good enough. :(

i kinda think that i have no future her. and today i finally beginning to think that my time in this company is finally up. i should find another future out there. 

today is finally the time that i feel like leaving this company and leave everything behind... including my dreams that i've stacked in this company since the first time i set my feet here.

before all this happening, i've prayed to My Mighty God that if this is really happening, that i don't get this, i really need that extra peace of mind.

and if it really happens, like right now, i know that i've lost my battle here.

and i really wish that i could start another battle somewhere else.

somewhere and not here...

i really want to quit my job here and find that place where i can build my dreams...

so dear God... 

i have no other place to ask to, but You...

so please hear this plea of mine.

i'm begging You. :(

i love You, Daddy...

always.

PS: i know that everything that happens in this world, happen for a reason.

and God must have a very, very good reason why he let this happen to me right now.

i know He plans something nice for me.

something really, really nice for me.

Psalm 37:4-5

btw, gue jadi inget waktu gue merasa ditinggal sama my dream guy. 

gue udah ngerasa kalo gue bakalan di tinggal sama dia. 

emang rasanya gak adil. tapi gue bener-bener ditinggal.

dan ini yang gue rasain sekarang.

gue udah ngerasa kalo my former boss emang gak pilih gue. emang mungkin dia lebih suka sama dia daripada gue.

jadi yasudahlah.

memang bukan buat gue. 

dan gue sangat sedih...

:(

kok hari ini berasa banget ya. gue ngga tau kenapa berasa sedih aja.
i still really want it.
really... really... really want the position.

tapi gak tau kenapa, kok rasanya i feel like it has slipped away.
hiks.

i over heard my former boss talked to the director secretary about something. i don't know what they were talking about. but it seems that something important. coz before that, he was asking for her.
i am sad.

i still pray for it everyday.
i still really want it.
i still want to have that peace and joy.
and i really wish if it wasn't me, i want to have another better job.

please, dad.
please...